Me, 7 Years Ago:
Caught somewhere between a jaded online stepparent forum, another big decision I'd been left out of, the zillionth fight about āher,ā and four-thousand-and-something days left to goā¦
Iād had enough.
I quit following āstepfamily adviceā from books, blog posts, and people who didn't get it.Ā Stopped pretending that ānot my kid, not my problemā was a viable long-term solution. And ignored anyone who suggested I'd be happy if I left my husband.
7 Years Later:
My relationship with my stepson has grown from silent exchanges in the hallway, to me feeling excited when heās coming and sad when heās going.Ā From awkward, forced interactions between us, to effortless respect and inside jokes.
From ātheir kid,ā to āmy stepson."
I don't feel nauseous anymore when someone mentions my husbandās ex. The queasy-tummy, sweaty-handed, heart-racing nervousness Iād feel at the very thought of her has been replaced by stress-free interactions if we do see each other, and a huge dose of indifference in the long spans of time between.
Maybe you also know what it's like to only ever fight with your spouse about their first family? That was us too. I used to wonder what we'd even fight about if not my husband's ex or their son.
Ā Laundry. The answer is laundry.
Wanna know how I went from wishing my life away to the easy, breezy, sock-matching aficionado I am today?
I realized that if I actually wanted to build the happiest-ever-after life with the person I loved most in the world, then I had to stop blowing up, shutting down, and stomping off when stepfamily issues came up.
Even though my fuse grew shorter and shorter while I waited for our problems to work themselves out (lol) at least my built-up stress helped createĀ new problems on top of the oldĀ ones that hadn't been dealt with.Ā Problem Sandwich, anyone?
Frankly, I wasn't coping well with the demands of stepmotherhood. And the way I was (not) dealing with the stress of it all was driving a wedge between my husband and I, slowly turning us into adversaries instead of the teammates we'd vowed to be.
So when it came down to the choice of either watching my mental and physical health plummet orĀ ending my marriage and never ever ever ever dating a single parent again, I chose option C:Ā
Stay married and C.T.F.O...
Mission: Chill T.F. Out, started with a few small tweaks to the ways I managed my stress. (Like, I actually started to manage it instead of hoping it would go away if I ignored it long enough.)
Those small tweaks gave me a bit more patience, which helped me better tolerate stepfamily distress in the heat of the moment.Ā
More patience and tolerance kept me from lashing out and turning a bad situation into a Problem Sandwich.
Less emotional outbursts led to less fighting, which led to a pretty big improvement in my marriage. We started having fun again ā started actually WANTING to spend time with each other ā which reduced my stress by a mile.
And bippity, boppity, boo!Ā
Younger me wouldn't have believed this, but it turns out that joining a stepfamily has easily turned out to be the most humbling, healing, and liberating experience of my entire life.
Iām healthier than Iāve ever been ā body, mind, and soul. I sleep like a baby. My skin glows. I smile, like, A LOT. My marriage is more fun, more transparent, and more secure than itās ever been. We have two beautiful, healthy ours-babies together, and my stepson has made the choice to move in with us full-time (yay)!
Even though we just recently built and moved into our dream house, it's these amazing people I get to call my family who truly make it feel like home.