Me, 9 Years Ago:
Caught somewhere between a jaded online stepparent forum, another big decision I'd been left out of, the zillionth fight about “her,” and four-thousand-and-something days left to go…
I’d had enough.
I quit following stepfamily "advice" from books, blog posts, and people who didn't get it. Stopped pretending that “not my kid, not my problem” was a viable long-term solution. And ignored anyone who suggested I'd be happy if I left my husband.
9 Years Later:
My relationship with my stepson grew from silent exchanges in the hallway, to me feeling excited when he’s coming and sad when he’s going. From awkward, forced interactions between us, to effortless respect and inside jokes.
From “their kid,” to "my stepson."
I don't feel nauseous anymore when someone mentions my stepson's mother's name.
The queasy-tummy, sweaty-handed, heart-racing nervousness I’d feel at the very thought of her has been replaced by stress-free interactions if we do see each other, and a huge dose of indifference in the long spans of time between.
Maybe you also know what it's like to only ever fight with your spouse about their first family?
That was us too.
I wondered what we'd even fight about if not my husband's ex or their son.
(Laundry. The answer is laundry.)
Wanna know how I went from wishing my life away to the easy, breezy, sock-matching aficionado I am today?
I realized that if I actually wanted to build the happiest-ever-after life with the person I loved most in the world, then I had to stop blowing up, shutting down, and stomping off when stepfamily issues came up.
Even though my fuse grew shorter and shorter while I waited for our problems to work themselves out (lol) at least my built-up stress helped create new problems on top of the old ones that hadn't been dealt with. Problem Sandwich, anyone?
Frankly, I wasn't coping well with the demands of stepmotherhood. And the way I was (not) dealing with the stress of it all was driving a wedge between my husband and I, slowly turning us into adversaries instead of the teammates we'd vowed to be.
So when it came down to the choice of either watching my mental and physical health plummet or ending my marriage and never ever ever ever dating a single parent again,
I chose option C:
Learn how to C.T.F.O...
Mission: Chill T.F. Out, started with a few small tweaks to the ways I managed my stress. (Like, I actually started to manage it instead of hoping it would go away if I ignored it long enough.)
Those small tweaks gave me a bit more patience, which helped me better tolerate stepfamily distress in the heat of the moment.
More patience and tolerance kept me from lashing out and turning a bad situation into a
Problem Sandwich.
Less emotional outbursts led to less fighting, which led to an atmosphere in my marriage where, for the first time ever, we could discuss issues with "The First Family" from a calm, rational place.
And bippity, boppity, boo!
Younger me wouldn't have believed this, but it turns out that joining a stepfamily has easily turned out to be the most humbling, healing, and liberating experience of my entire life.
I’m healthier than I’ve ever been – body, mind, and soul. I sleep like a baby. My skin glows. I smile, like, A LOT. I have two beautiful, healthy ours-babies, and my stepson made the choice to move in full-time.